As loyal readers of this column will know, a couple of years ago I swore never to mention the PETA wackjobs in these hallowed halls ever again. This was during their idiotic campaign in which they compared slaughterhouses to the Holocaust.

I've come to a conclusion, however: I disagree with the "any press is better than no press at all" concept when it comes to this particular sack of freaks, so it's time to get back on my mocking horse and ride. And I couldn't have picked a better time to do it.

Six Flags Great America, outside Chicago in Gurnee, Ill., has launched what may be the greatest Halloween-themed amusement park come-on ever. If you are willing to eat a live Madagascar hissing cockroach and manage to keep it down, you are granted a pass to cut to the front of the line on any ride in the park. So, basically, when the roach makes you sick and you hurl on the roller coaster, you won't have had to wait long to get on. Sheer genius!

Of course, these are live roaches being consumed, and that made the PETA folks stop pushing their shopping carts and muttering to themselves long enough to shake a fist in the air in the name of, well, roach rights, I guess. As far as I'm concerned, the jury is very much out on whether or not it's possible to be cruel to roaches, but apparently the moral monitors over at PETA are willing to make that ruling for me. Thanks.

As a transplanted Texan who has faced off against Texas wood roaches large enough to carry cargo or passengers, I can safely say that being eaten is far less torturous than some of the damage I've inflicted on those gigantic critters while trying to end their miserable, prehistoric existences. I couldn't begin to count the variety of heavy objects I've hurled at them. I've sprayed them with chemicals from bug killer to air freshener in an attempt to end their days. I've even kicked them into campfires and hurled them into barbecue grills. If there existed a little tiny iron maiden into which I could slap a roach, I'd buy a dozen.

You want to support an organization that does some good? Send your checks to your local animal shelter. You want to watch freaks in action, go to a PETA rally. Very simple.

Scary Woodpecker News

I've heard from hundreds of you about bizarre behavior from woodpeckers. Apparently, I'm far from the only one with a woodpecker eating seed out of a feeder. However, the picture at left shows a disturbing new development in bird behavior: cyborg attack woodpeckers!

This woodpecker, a product of bizarre engineering experiments in the Evil Squirrel Laboratories, drills straight into the mortar between bricks, and sometimes into the bricks themselves. Captured here on a mission to destroy a garden wall by alert reader Bill Mather, you can see the creature at work.

The Evil Squirrels are back at work, friends. Make no mistake: They will not stop until our houses, with holes hammered in the bricks and joists, collapse around us. They will then pelt us with acorns and pecans until we surrender.

Let Them Play

This has apparently been going on for the last 10 years or so, but I've just become aware that there are elementary and middle schools out there canceling recess. For shame! With the increased pressures to pass standardized tests and stuff ever more information into our kids' skulls, apparently some schools have decided that the cherished period of free play should go by the wayside.

According to the American Association for the Child's Right to Play, some 40 percent of schools have either eliminated recess altogether or are seriously considering doing so.

Remember recess? Kickball games? Your first girlfriend? Jumping off the swings? If you had any kind of normal childhood at all, you've got to have a few good recess memories somewhere in your head. The idea that a school would take away what is often a kid's one chance to scream, run around and generally act like a goof during the day is not just silly, I think it's a serious detriment to the whole learning purpose. Kids need time to step back and let their minds digest information that's put in, and what better way to let them do that than by getting their bodies busy and doing something?

Then there's the problem of obesity. In case you haven't noticed, our kids are by and large a fairly tubby lot anymore. I was the fat kid in grade school, but I was very much a rarity. These days, the skinny kids are becoming more rare than the ones my size. And you want to take away some extra exercise? That borders on willful neglect, or at the very least sheer idiocy.

So, schools of America: Let them play!

Thanks.

Got a question? A comment? Large bag of spare money laying about? Drop me a line, anytime!