Dear Double Take,
My husband and I have been married for three years and together for seven. We are both in our 40s and have been married before.
I lost my husband after 15 years of marriage; he has been married twice before.
I found out he had been talking to and texting a woman that he says is a friend. They were friends a few years ago, before we met. He says he has not been intimate with her.
What I can't handle is the fact that I found out two months after it started, and when I got upset he said to not make him choose between me and her.
Even though he knows this upsets me and I have lost some trust in him, he continues to call and text her. He says he is going through a depression and is seeing a counselor, but he still wants to talk to her about things.
Other than him talking to her our marriage is fine. He says it is just me making a thing out of this. Am I? What am I to do? Do I believe him that she is just a friend and let it go, or make him stop talking to her or I leave?

EDDIE SAYS:

A woman who considers leaving her husband because he has one female friend that she does not approve of sounds to me like one with a tendency to make mountains out of molehills.

And from what you say, they do not spend time together, have known each other for years and it does not have a direct effect on your marriage, other than your reaction.

Maybe what you need to do is say that you wish your husband hadn't felt the need to keep his friendship from you and apologize for being so suspicious and untrusting.

What other options does he have, besides talking to professionals? If he needs levelheaded advice that is likely to meet with his wife's approval, do you think he's more likely to get that from a long-term female friend, or from some sort of drinking or sports buddies who prefer to joke around and talk smack to each other than pay attention to emotions?

Seems like an easy choice to me.

BETTY SAYS:

I agree with Eddie. Your husband has a female friend -- but he isn't intimate with her -- so you don't have anything to worry about.

Try contemplating on the notion of "kindred spirits," defined as "a person who shares beliefs, attitudes, feelings, or features with another."

Know that this woman is simply a kindred spirit to your husband. He enjoys talking to her about things that you may not understand. And, he feels safe. When people don't feel safe in conversations, they turn to either silence or violence.

Please don't leave your marriage because of this issue. Rather, try and find peace in the knowledge that he has a friend who is helping him cope with depression. And don't turn to silence (avoiding) or violence (lashing out) when he calls or texts her.

Depression is not an easy thing to live with. But you're his partner. Take care of him.

• Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Dear Double Take,
I am a 22-year-old recent college graduate with a 6-year-old child. I am dating a 28-year-old man with a 2-year-old daughter. We have been together since his daughter was 1 month old. It seems like our relationship has not moved since this point. I have never met his daughter; I have only seen pictures of her. Because of our non-secured relationship, I haven't had him meet my son, either.
Although he doesn't live with his child's mother, he says they have a great relationship and he doesn't want to mess it up. He doesn't pay child support or have a court order because he takes very good care of his child but the the child's mother will become jealous and make his life with his daughter miserable if she knows about us.
He's getting to the point where in a couple months, he will introduce me to the child's mother.
Last week, he let me talk to his daughter over the phone for the first time and told her my name. He says he loves me and can see us having children and getting married someday. Recently, we haven't seen each other in weeks because, he says, his daughter is getting older and needs more time with him.
Am I being led on, or should I trust his judgment and continue this extremely slow-paced relationship?

BETTY SAYS:

Three years is an awfully long time to wait for confirmation on your love life.

And, yes, it does sound as if he's leading you on by keeping the relationship "non-secured" and by talking about your future together, without paying any attention to the present.

I suggest that you give this man what he wants -- more time with his daughter.

This guy is overwhelmed. I can't imagine that he'll be ready to jump into marriage with you and have more children until he finds a better balance in his life.

Let him go. Then, take this opportunity to follow your post-graduate passions and bond with your son. Enjoy life for a while without the burden of waiting for this man to come around.

EDDIE SAYS:

The only way that Betty is wrong is if you're happy with a boyfriend who keeps two presumably important parts of his life separate. If it doesn't bother you to keep the hot side hot and the cool side cool, stick with it.

Most people hoping to move into something permanent and stable would find the lack of progress maddening. You sound pretty calm about it -- except for the fact that you wrote to us in the first place.

The whole situation strikes me as a bit odd. One could easily conclude that the stuff about his baby's mama making things hard is either a convenient excuse, or shows that he's never going to put his foot down to her and just likes having you on the side.

I can't tell about that from here which it is. So you have to ask yourself if he's worth the oddity. If you need concrete timelines, ask for them -- but only if you're willing to stick to it.

• Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

Double Take Archive:
More Advice ...