Dear Double Take,
I have been in an on and off relationship for about five years now. It all started about 4½ years ago when my fiance and I got back together. We dated in high school.
Everything was really good between us. I just had my second child, whom he did not father, but he has always treated my children like his own.
I eventually found out that this man that I thought was so good was addicted to drugs and things ended up getting really bad. He went to prison for about three years. While he was in prison I did get in a relationship with another man that lasted about a year.
My fiance says I cheated on him. When he was released from prison, I left the other man and went back to my fiance. I thought things would be better.
He ended up cheating on me numerous times. He even brought my children around these other girls. He has also physically abused me.
He has gone back to jail, but is in a work release program and will be coming home shortly. I have recently rented a home for us, which I am not allowed to live in until he comes home because he thinks I'm going to be with another man. Needless to say, I pay all the bills. I have a full-time job and take care of both of my kids by myself.
I am constantly questioned about every move I make. I am to go to work then straight home. I'm so stressed out about this whole thing. I know I should leave him, everyone tells me. I should -- but I love him.

BETTY SAYS:

Your letter is very sad. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Your fiance serves time in jail, abuses drugs and then brings women and a bad attitude home with him.

Love and fear are keeping you with him. Sure, you have a passionate relationship with this man -- but is it worth the price of you or one of your children getting hurt? Think of how sad it would be if one of your children became addicted to drugs because of his behavior.

Please visit the Support Network for Battered Women and read the passage called "Rights in a Relationship." The site also lists an emergency help line. Contact them or a local battered women's shelter for more thorough advice about leaving an abusive relationship.

And if you have enough time before he gets out of jail to make an escape plan, now's the time to act. You'll be relieved when the engagement and the hurt are over. Trust me, I had a friend who snuck out of the house in the middle of the night and drove miles away to get away from her abusive husband, and she's happier than she's ever been.

In the meantime, take care of yourself and your kids.

EDDIE SAYS:

Love cannot be controlled. The heart feels things. We can't stop that.

You can, however, stop letting your life be run by your heart. You know this guy has nothing positive to offer you, you have no ties to him such as marriage or kids -- and I bet this whole fiance thing is based on vague promises to get married someday.

Nothing else needs to be said. You know this is terrible, and that you must get away from it. Betty found a great resource to help you through that.

After finding a new place, and not telling him where it is, get settled, get safe, then see about finding a therapist of some sort who can help you learn not to make the same mistake again.

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Dear Double Take,
I have been married to my husband for a few months. We have been together for more than three years and have been living together for about a year and a half.
Things were fine until we moved houses a little over a year ago -- out to the "country" -- and he met a female friend who is also a co-worker. Originally, I had no problems with their friendship. Then started her constant calling, texting, talking and visiting. She has a family -- three children and a husband.
Things got really bad when he'd ignore me when she called. When we got married, I brought it up and asked him how he would feel if I did the same. He said he would not like it and the contact would be kept to a minimum.
That lasted about two weeks, now it's worse than ever and I don't know what to do. I feel like I am on the back burner when it comes to her and he would choose her over me in a second. Please help!

BETTY SAYS:

As much as I'd like to tell you to invite this woman to tea and calmly ask her to back off, it might be wiser to just stage a raging, scratch-your-eyes-out catfight.

A married woman is stalking your new hubby. Are you going to let that happen?

No. Channel your inner Loretta Lynn and tell her, "You ain't woman enough to take my man."

If you think she'd accept your offer of tea or coffee, you might want to try to and talk to her in a more graceful way. She may end up telling you all about her troubled marriage or her issues with motherhood, whatever reason underlies her need to create chaos in someone else's life.

Confront her about the excessive contact with your husband. The tone you want to use is up to you.

EDDIE SAYS:

I've been accused repeatedly of telling people to turn a blind eye to imminent cheating. I stand by my past answers.

But it seems pretty clear in this case that there's something going on, or at least that you're not being told of the extent to which your husband is helping his friend, and he's not keeping his priorities straight.

Betty's advice is bold, and I only have one quibble with it. Tell your husband that if he can't slow things down with her and stick to his agreements with you, then you'll need to get some information from her yourself.

I would bet that thought gives him chills down his spine and moves him to draw some boundaries.

• Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Betty offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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