Dear Double Take,
I have been living with a man for a year and a half. He is 49 and I am 38. I have one child, 17, and have never been married. When I met this man I felt he was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I moved into his house in July 2006 and he soon proposed to me. My son moved in with his father.
We were planning a May 2008 wedding, but after a falling out we postponed it to May 2009. Recently, he told me that he could not marry me at all. He stated that it was not me; he did not want to marry anyone, ever. He told me that this has been on his mind for some months and that he had a hard time telling me for fear that I would leave the relationship. This is hard for me to accept.
I feel that I need to move out on my own and regain my independence. He feels that I would be making a big mistake. He feels that I would be strapped financially and that our relationship would not be able to be as strong.
He only charges me $300 a month to live there and buys all of my food and even cooks for me. In exchange, I am responsible for cleaning up the house after him, his three children and his new puppy. I was able to accept cleaning up after all of them when I knew that we would be getting married; however, now I feel like his slave. My feelings are hurt tremendously and I am angry with him for not feeling that anything should change. Do I move out and risk us not continuing our relationship?

EDDIE SAYS:

He has one thing correct: You moving out likely means the end of your relationship, even if you try to hang on for a while.

Is that a bad thing? You want to get married. He does not. Unless you can decide to put that desire aside -- and truly mean it, not just figure you can wait until he comes around again -- staying together either means a constant sense of waiting for you. Or it could lead to a cycle of breakups and reunions, for years and years.

If he is all you want, perhaps you'll decide just being together is enough -- perhaps with some changes and formality in the financial arrangements. But if you want a great guy and marriage, it sounds like you need to find a different one.

BETTY SAYS:

Staying in the relationship could initiate a long-term cycle of broken promises. Is that what you want?

It sounds like this experience has brought you to a positive conclusion for yourself -- you want to regain your independence.

I realize it's not so easy to just pick up and move out, especially if your finances are not secure. However, I'm nervous about this man's jealous feelings toward you. If there's a way for you to save money without him knowing about it, perhaps you should bide your time at his house until you have enough to move out.

Use your judgment when it comes to protecting yourself during this transition.

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Dear Double Take,
I have been with a man who was married for eight years and has been divorced for almost four years. But he and his ex-wife are still in touch -- like best friends. He is going back to his country and to the same town where he ex-wife lives. I asked him whether I could come with him to the U.S., but he told me that he would like to spend some time alone there. I was quite shocked.
We have been together for five months now and I don't believe what he told me. I think that he will go there to see his ex-wife. If he doesn't really think that we will have a future together, why doesn't he say so?

BETTY SAYS:

He could be emotionally unavailable, or it could be just a case a bad timing.

Emotionally unavailable people enjoy living -- and dating -- in the moment, but when it comes to going down the long, hard road of a committed relationship, it's just too much for them to handle.

I'd say accept his plans to got to the United States alone, and try and stay friends.

Then again, if he was planning to move back home a year ago, or even six months ago, you can't blame the guy for following through on goals that were determined before your relationship came into play.

Either way, don't take it personally. He's headed home, and you're not part of the plan. The universe is sending you a magical page that your union was not meant to be.

EDDIE SAYS:

If your man is moving back from overseas and asks you not to come along, that's a very clear sign that he doesn't take things as seriously as you do.

If he's just coming back for a visit, and you're not engaged or married or somehow declared to be in it for the long haul, it's his business whom he visits, and when. You certainly have reason to wonder if he hopes to reconcile with his wife, but you also shouldn't assume that.

For whatever reason, he wants a vacation on his own. Instead of asking us why, you should ask him.

• Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Betty offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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