Dear Double Take,
I am 25 and had been with a 31-year-old guy for almost three years. After 2½ years, he finally moved because I gave him a choice: Live as a family or this whole thing is over.
That only lasted six weeks when he left home at 4:30 in the evening on a Friday and didn't come home until 10 a.m. Saturday. Now I know that he was on his way home when he was picked up by the cops on a case of mistaken identity. He said he had called, but by that time I was so angry I had already pulled the phone out the wall.
He won't come home because he says he doesn't want something like this to happen again.
Before he moved in, I did everything for him and got nothing in return. He would say, "I love you," but never did anything -- no dinners, no movies, no flowers, no foot rubs, no back rubs, not one present, no times as a family with his girls and my daughter, no meeting his friends or family. We would go two, three or four days without talking to each other and he wouldn't care.
But every time I would break up with him, he would beg for me to come back and say how depressed and in despair he was, and every time I came back thinking things would change and they never did.
He says he still wants us to work. He comes over and puts money in my pocket for whatever I need. He calls when he doesn't have to and acts hurt when I am short with him or brush him off. He wouldn't give me my house key back, he won't come get a desk that he left at my house and he e-mails all the time. He spent the whole last weekend with us, and we are still sleeping together, even though I have made it clear that I am not on birth control.
Now I'm asking for him to come back and he won't. I feel lonely and lost without him, I feel like he is so handsome he can get whatever female he wants. I have to keep him.

BETTY SAYS:

I feel you. It's tough trying to make amends with a guy who was never there in the first place.

However, if he really is so handsome he can get whatever woman he wants, then let him! Try your shot at not caring. He won't treat these other women any better -- he'll treat them the same way he treats you.

Play hard to get. Be cool, aloof, and elusive.

If at this point you're still aching for him, give yourself a break from this guy for about a month -- and stick to the mantra of staying cool -- and see what comes of the time off.

Most of all, don't let your feelings of jealousy be the thread that keeps you attached to him. Codependency often mainfests itself as an ugly green monster -- and before you know it, all the love is gone and you're just left with a beast.

EDDIE SAYS:

Betty really shouldn't give you advice on how to possibly get back with this guy. The only thing that should be said is for you to find a way to cut off contact and just get away.

Because whatever his problems -- he may be a liar, he may be a jerk, he may be using you -- yours are bigger. You seem puzzled that he doesn't mind that you might get pregnant. It sounds like you think that means he wants to create a cozy little family. No, he just realizes he could pack up and leave, but usually mothers end up with more children than they can handle.

It doesn't mean much that he's unconcerned about the possibility. The fact that you aren't protecting yourself shows that you have lost all sense of reality about this.

It's a bad relationship. You don't want the same things, you can't stay together for very long, and you don't like how he treats you.

For your own chance to be happy -- not to mention the kid you already have -- stop trying with this guy.

• Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Betty offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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