Dear DoubleTake,
I met a guy online a while ago and we really seemed to hit it off. We would have great conversations about all manner of things and were really interested in each other. We finally met for coffee one day, and the conversation was just as fun and easy as it had been online.
But we decided it was best to remain just friends.
After that, we chatted every day for at least an hour, and I really began to like him and feel an emotional attachment. Then we moved things up a step further and light flirting turned into innuendo, which turned into telling each other our fantasies. He told me he's fantasized about me, he told me he thinks I'm beautiful, etc.
We both agree that we've crossed the friendship line a few times, but as soon as I suggest we start actually dating, he backs off, doesn't go online for a while and says he doesn't want to mess things up between us.
Should I continue trying to be friends with him or stop chatting with him altogether?

BETTY SAYS:

There's no downside to staying friends. Just be secure in your single status and really effort a solid friendship, not sneaky nuances.

But from the tone of your letter, it sounds like he's playing hard to get. Be prepared to either stay strong and not cross the friendship line, or give in to the passion. And if it's the second choice, know that he may back off again, because that's how the game's played.

In other words, if you think you can really be friends -- or more -- keep chatting. But if the thought of meeting his next girlfriend is too painful, stop before things get weird.

EDDIE SAYS:

Let me take a guess here that you're not the most experienced dater in the world.

Because, there's a little secret you should have worked out: Guys can be attracted to a woman and perhaps even want to get physical -- or, in this case, virtually physical -- without having any serious romantic intentions.

Many relationships, of course, start out like that, and next thing you know there's a shared home and a wedding planner.

Things will generally be easier on you if you stick to guys who want to be interested in you. There will be much less drama that way. So you can take one more shot at it: Tell him that you value his friendship, but that you can't have it be something more than that. He can be with you and get those benefits, or he can be your friend and not.

Then make him stick to it. Because even if he doesn't want to mess with your head, he probably will try to go for the fun stuff as long as it's available.

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Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Betty offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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