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Print This StoryDouble Take: Taming A Boy-Crazy Daughter
'Going Steady' Doesn't Mean What It Used To
UPDATED: 9:14 a.m. EDT September 30, 2003
Dear Double Take,
I have a 14-year-old daughter who is boy crazy. Now, it's just one boy she talks about marrying. I hear from friends that if I don't like the guy to keep that to myself and let her figure that he's trouble. I have tried that, and it's getting scary. She listens to him and not me. Every night they have to talk on the phone until they go to sleep. No matter how many ways I reinforce that she's not allowed to call after 9 p.m. on weeknights, she does not care. She sneaks the phone every way possible. I have been staying up late so she can't do it. There has to be a better way.
EDDIE SAYS:
There was a time when one of the standard ways of dating for high schoolers was to have many people one had social engagements with, and if one person stood out above the rest, to "go steady." I know that by the time I was coming up (I'm pushing 30), it was more like, "Hey, you're cute," "You too," and suddenly the people were a couple, not allowed to talk or look at others, expected to be "faithful," etc. It's a crazy system, but one that still rules.
However, as near as I can tell, it's also the case that these things come and go. It's like a summer monsoon storm. Intense while it lasts, and then it's gone and quickly forgotten. It's probably the same thing here, and the best you really can do is wait it out -- though I would suggest finding ways to enforce your rules, just on general principle.
Perhaps you're lucky that she's only 14. Assuming the guy is that age, it's not like they're going to get in his car and head off down the highway together, never to be seen again.
Hey ... if they're on the phone, it means she's not out sneaking around with him. So it could be worse. At this point, I say monitor what you can, and talk to her vaguely about keeping her options open.
And please, remind me I said all this in 12 years when my daughter reaches this stage.
ALANA SAYS:
I was a little older than 14 when I had my first "steady" boyfriend (thanks, Eddie, for the terminology refresher). I think I was 16 -- and my mother was scared to death.
The guy I chose wanted to spend all kinds of time with me, which led to my parents enforcing a curfew much stricter than any I'd had before. But the phone wasn't a problem -- I don't think we even had a cordless at that point, and I certainly didn't have a line in my bedroom.
Although I know my late nights bothered my mother a lot, I always pushed off her concern. I knew what I was doing, or so I thought. Although the guy stuck around for a while, I eventually realized he wasn't for me. But at the time, any criticism about him from my parents made me incredibly defensive and angry.
The moral of the story? You're the parent. You have every right to impose curfews and phone restrictions -- and you should. Let your daughter know you're serious about them; take away other privileges if the rules aren't followed.
But have a little trust, too. Sure, she's young, but you raised her. Have a little faith that she's thought this through and has picked a guy who isn't going to try to lead her astray. And, yes, in general, you should continue talking about relationships ... but don't give her the impression that you hate her boyfriend. That would just cause her to become more secretive and less obedient.
ALANA SAYS:
Well, as they say, admitting you have a problem is the first step. But you need to do more than just warn your boyfriend about your insecurities.
Everyone knows that trust is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. But trusting someone is easier said than done -- especially if you have a history of broken trust. But really, you need to dive in and take a chance on your boyfriend. Take him at his word on this; he's done nothing to make you question his faithfulness.
And you need to stop fearing that you'll "screw something up." If you love each other, the only way you're going to screw it up is if you violate his trust.
Sit back and enjoy the ride, baby -- it sounds like you've found one of the good ones.
EDDIE SAYS:
It sounds like you want us to say either, "Dump him before he dumps you," or, "Get some therapy." If you think either of those things will help you, go for it.
But if you want to make this relationship work, then just get over yourself a bit. You know that they way you're acting can drive him away, so knock it off. Think he might get sick of your worrying and questioning? Well, don't let him see it. Squash down those little fears when you know they have no basis. Don't tell him that when he ran out to get you a sundae you were wondering if he stopped for a secret treat for himself.
It doesn't sound like you've been traumatized. You've just had some bad luck, and now you're looking for an excuse to ruin this thing, too.
Take a deep breath, calm down, don't share every twinge of fear with him, and move past it.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man approaching his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.
E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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I have a 14-year-old daughter who is boy crazy. Now, it's just one boy she talks about marrying. I hear from friends that if I don't like the guy to keep that to myself and let her figure that he's trouble. I have tried that, and it's getting scary. She listens to him and not me. Every night they have to talk on the phone until they go to sleep. No matter how many ways I reinforce that she's not allowed to call after 9 p.m. on weeknights, she does not care. She sneaks the phone every way possible. I have been staying up late so she can't do it. There has to be a better way.
EDDIE SAYS:
There was a time when one of the standard ways of dating for high schoolers was to have many people one had social engagements with, and if one person stood out above the rest, to "go steady." I know that by the time I was coming up (I'm pushing 30), it was more like, "Hey, you're cute," "You too," and suddenly the people were a couple, not allowed to talk or look at others, expected to be "faithful," etc. It's a crazy system, but one that still rules.
However, as near as I can tell, it's also the case that these things come and go. It's like a summer monsoon storm. Intense while it lasts, and then it's gone and quickly forgotten. It's probably the same thing here, and the best you really can do is wait it out -- though I would suggest finding ways to enforce your rules, just on general principle.
Perhaps you're lucky that she's only 14. Assuming the guy is that age, it's not like they're going to get in his car and head off down the highway together, never to be seen again.
Hey ... if they're on the phone, it means she's not out sneaking around with him. So it could be worse. At this point, I say monitor what you can, and talk to her vaguely about keeping her options open.
And please, remind me I said all this in 12 years when my daughter reaches this stage.
ALANA SAYS:
I was a little older than 14 when I had my first "steady" boyfriend (thanks, Eddie, for the terminology refresher). I think I was 16 -- and my mother was scared to death.
The guy I chose wanted to spend all kinds of time with me, which led to my parents enforcing a curfew much stricter than any I'd had before. But the phone wasn't a problem -- I don't think we even had a cordless at that point, and I certainly didn't have a line in my bedroom.
Although I know my late nights bothered my mother a lot, I always pushed off her concern. I knew what I was doing, or so I thought. Although the guy stuck around for a while, I eventually realized he wasn't for me. But at the time, any criticism about him from my parents made me incredibly defensive and angry.
The moral of the story? You're the parent. You have every right to impose curfews and phone restrictions -- and you should. Let your daughter know you're serious about them; take away other privileges if the rules aren't followed.
But have a little trust, too. Sure, she's young, but you raised her. Have a little faith that she's thought this through and has picked a guy who isn't going to try to lead her astray. And, yes, in general, you should continue talking about relationships ... but don't give her the impression that you hate her boyfriend. That would just cause her to become more secretive and less obedient.
Discuss Parenting: How Would You Handle This?
- Dear Double Take,
I'm confused about my current relationship. My boyfriend and I have been living together since March, and things are going great, most of the time. He's a wonderful to me and my daughter and takes great care of us.
He's the best boyfriend I've ever had, but I'm still nervous. I've been cheated on many times, and lied to about it at the same time. My boyfriend says he loves me all the time and that he would never cheat on me or leave me. He always says: "I'm not going anywhere!" But I am almost always nervous that I will screw something up, or that he will get sick of me -- which is usually what happens; I drive the guys I date nuts. They get sick of my insecurity and leave.
I really, really am in love with my boyfriend, and I don't want to drive him out. I don't know what to do, I want some serious help to get over my past relationships before it affects my current one even more. He knows about my fears and does his best to comfort me and make me happy and feel better, but I think it will take a toll on him, and I want to be able to do something about it myself.
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