UPDATED: 9:06 a.m. EST December 9, 2003
Dear Double Take,
I am sleeping with a co-worker.
I recently left a two-year relationship to become a single woman again. I had a baby this year and this year things have just been hectic. When I first thought about moving, I was already kind of talking to this guy. He advised me to move over to the same apartments he lives in. I thought it was a great idea. For one, I had already thought of moving over there because it is a convenient location from my job and my daughter. So I moved there and we began seeing each other.
I really like this guy; he spends the night at my house and I sleep at his. And everything is fine. I'm just trying to deal with the fact I really like this guy, but I think I am being a little pushy.
And caught in the middle of all of this is my ex -- also the father of my child --
who is very much in love with me. He recently saw my co-worker in my bed one morning when he went to my house without permission. He asked if we were sleeping together -- I lied and told him "no." Was I wrong for that? And am I wrong for being with a co-worker?
ALANA SAYS:
People date their co-workers all the time -- and although it's not a situation you enter into lightly, the relationships are not always doomed. (Trust me. I have personal experience with this one.)
So why are you questioning yourself and lying about it? My guess is that there's something deeper that's bothering you -- perhaps some unfinished business with your ex. It sounds like you feel like you're cheating on him. Do you still have strong feelings toward him? Does he somehow think you're still together? (It might sound silly, but you never know ...)
If you are truly broken up -- and he knows it -- then you are free to date this other guy, and you're free to tell your ex about it. If you don't want to talk about it, tell your ex it's none of his business -- but why lie? He probably guesses the truth anyway. And think of how it's probably making your new guy feel.
The biggest question about whether you should be dating your co-worker is its effect on your daughter. If he's nurturing toward her and doesn't take you away from her -- emotionally or physically -- then no problem.
EDDIE SAYS:
Alana's right that there's no reason you should lie. But if you're going to, there's no need to say things that are so obviously not true. If two single adults are sleeping in the same bed and their sexual orientations match up, most people will assume they're doing more than dozing.
Perhaps you have a legitimate fear about your safety or that of your new boyfriend, in which case you need to consider making it clear to your ex that you aren't part of his life in the same way now, and that he needs to deal with your choices.
However, since you have a child together, he does have a right to give his input on how you behave in front of your daughter. Not that he gets to decide, but you should listen to his concerns (and voice any you have about his personal life).
Since you don't mention your off-hours relationship causing any problems on the job, I don't see why it's a concern at all. People meet their mates where they spend the most time -- these days, that's often the same place you pick up a paycheck.
Dear Double Take:
I have been seeing a guy I met at my office building for about a month now. We started as friends, talking every time he would pass by my office. One day we exchanged phone numbers. We talk every day, sometimes several times a day. I have gone to his house on several occasions, and our relationship has gotten physical. I enjoy the time I spend with him, and it seems that he also enjoys the time we spent together. He is very sweet, tender and everything you can ask for in a man.
It seems like we are a couple, but when we see each other in the office, we have to put the personal relationship aside and act like professionals. Lately, I buy lunch for him every day, which I don't mind, and I have also loaned him money to help him out of some financial difficulties.
Nothing has changed between us -- the daily telephone calls continue and so has our physical relationship. Does it seem that he really does care for me, or does it seem that he is using me for what I can give him?
EDDIE SAYS:
Maybe it makes me somewhat old-fashioned or inhibited, but I really doubt I'd be comfortable borrowing money from someone I'd just met -- especially someone who was looking like a romantic partner.
I don't hold old-fashioned notions of the roles for men and women, but a guy who immediately starts taking loans -- and I
do hope these were presented as loans -- must, if nothing else, not have a very good hold on his finances, which is something that would make me hesitate before getting involved.
If he doesn't find ways to contribute to the relationship's care and feeding -- even if it's not picking up the tab -- and makes more withdrawal requests, I'd suggest changing this guy's rating from "hold" to "sell."
Besides his willingness to talk to you and have you over for some alone time, you haven't really given much indication that he has a special connection to you. Maybe it's there -- if he's the one who calls you sometimes, and seems attentive and supportive, we'll give him some credit.
But that doesn't mean you should extend him a running line of credit. He should be a partner, not a loan risk.
ALANA SAYS:
I'm willing to give this guy a bit more leniency than Eddie is -- maybe because, as I said above, I've had some experience with intraoffice dating, and I know how weird it can be to act like professionals when there's actually more going on.
I'll admit that the financial stuff is a little weird. Your mention of it makes me feel like you're not very comfortable with it, either. It's the only negative thing you've told us about this relationship, but you worry that you're possibly being used.
Well, hon, trust your instincts. Dating a co-worker can be just fine, but any romantic partner can take advantage of you. A co-worker just might have more opportunity to do so.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man approaching his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.
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