Dear Double Take,
I'm a 35-year-old woman, but I can't help but feel as if I'm dealing with the days of high school antics.
My ex-husband was very generous with trinkets of jewelry, whether as a gift for my birthday or Christmas or simply as a means to say, "Thanks for being there." As a result, 90 percent of the jewelry I have is from someone in my past.
My boyfriend of two years has a problem with me wearing any of this jewelry. Of course, I no longer wear the wedding band or engagement ring, but I don't see anything wrong with wearing a necklace or bracelet. He feels it's all symbolic to me and it's insulting to him and to our relationship. I've expressed that it's just jewelry to me. He said I'm lying to myself and he's even further argued that giving me these items was my ex's way of showing "ownership" of me to the rest of the world. Anyway, it's come to a point where now all of my jewelry is in a baggie, waiting to be sold, pawned, whatever, leaving me with next to nothing to compliment my outfits, something of which I very much like to do.
On the flip side, he has a chain bracelet from his ex-wife that he's worn on occasion -- which has no effect on me as I trust those items no longer hold any significance for him. I wanted to make the argument: Should I purchase a new mattress since others have slept there before him? But it felt antagonistic. He is worth so much more to me than any piece of jewelry but this is immaturity.
Is it me or am I completely missing his point? The other hurtful side of this is wondering, "Now who's looking to do the owning?" Whether adorning with jewelry or stripping one of it, I feel my feelings are not being considered.

ALANA SAYS:

I agree with you 100 percent -- it's childish for him to make you give up your jewelry.

I'm not really a jewelry person, but I certainly keep gifts from former beaus that hold no sentimental value -- they're just useful items I enjoy. Take the bulky sweatshirt from one of them. It's been years since I've even seen the guy (nor do I wish to anytime soon), but why get rid of a sweatshirt I like?

My guess is that there's another reason behind this strange argument. Does he harbor other insecurities about your relationship? The jewelry thing might be serving as an outlet for something deeper.

I also think you have a point about the change of ownership. In fact, I think it's much more power-driven for your boyfriend to insist you don't wear your jewelry than it was for your ex to buy it for you in the first place.

I don't think this is worth breaking up over, but I'd hold my ground if I were you. Explain how silly you think it is to let good jewelry go to waste, assure him he has nothing to worry about concerning your feelings -- and keep on wearing it.

EDDIE SAYS:

Seeing gifts to a wife as staking a claim on a woman just tells us that's how this guy sees presents. So, clearly, that's the big factor for this guy, and it's an amazingly backward, stupidly macho way to view the world. Why doesn't he just pee on your leg in case some other man comes sniffing around?

I bet there's another component here. You haven't mentioned him saying anything like, "Let me buy you things to replace that; I'd feel better about it." Which means he's probably stewing over thoughts like, "Not only does she flaunt in my face that she's been with other men, she has to subtly say 'And they were much richer than you are.'" I suspect he's got some wallet envy working on him.

If you still want the stuff, keep it. You sound pretty strong willed (in a good way), and this is worth sticking up for. Assuming that he's a grown up in other aspects, he'll just need to learn to be that way about this, too.

And if he's smart, he'll start adding to your collection.

Dear Double Take,
I'm a 21-year-old college student. I am totally inexperienced when it comes to women and relationships. In the past, I was unable to find someone who I thought was worth the risk.
Two years ago, this all changed. I met who I thought was the perfect girl for me. Since then, there have been many problems.
When we met, she was in a long-term relationship of about four years. It took her a long time to get over that. She realized that things were not going well with this other person and approached me. We were together for a couple of months and then she told me that she needed some space. We still talked every day and remained close friends.
Six months later, she told me that she wanted to give it another try. I was willing. Soon after, I found out from a friend that she was seeing someone else. She was back together with her ex and had been ever since she asked me for space. She lied to me for six months, telling me that she was single. After discovering this, I left her.
It's now 7 months later, and I'm stuck with another decision. She came to me the other day and told me that she can't live without me. I don't know if I should give her another chance. I know that after reading this, she may seem like an awful person, but that is not the case. She was put in a tough situation and did not know how to handle it.
My heart tells me that I should give it another try. If I don't, I may regret it forever. However, my head tells me that she is trouble. Is there hope for this, or is it a lost cause? Will she just go back to her ex when she is bored with me?

DOUBLE TAKE Do you disagree with Alana and Eddie's advice? Share Your Thoughts Life Files Archive

EDDIE SAYS:

I'd buy the "she was just confused and emotional" thing if she had just bounced back and forth between you and this other guy, or you and nobody. But the lying to you for six months goes beyond that into malicious, uncaring and devious.

So, yes, this has all the hallmarks of you screaming in anguish in four to six months.

But you know what? You're going to take her back for another shot. In your letter, you're rationalizing her behavior, defending her, and basically saying you've already made up your mind. Which is fine. It just means that any advice I give you for now is basically useless.

So let's look to the future: When this starts to fall apart, please end it quickly. You're obviously fragile, and trying to hold this thing together when it starts to disintegrate again will cut you to shreds.

Once it's over, take some time, and remember: She's not the perfect girl for you. The perfect girl for you won't be evil. Your heart led you astray, but that's part of the process. Being hurt doesn't mean you've failed or you're broken, just that you need to try again if you want to find happiness.

ALANA SAYS:

You know you're in for trouble when your heart and head don't agree. Your head is almost always right, but you won't realize that until you follow your heart once or twice and get it broken.

I would urge you to not give this girl another chance, but as Eddie said, you've pretty much made your decision.

But brace yourself before you plunge in again. Tell this girl that she's lost your trust, and she'll have to earn it back. Let her know that you won't be this forgiving again -- and stick to it.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man approaching his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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• Is He Worth It?
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