Dear Double Take,
For the last few months, my girlfriend and I have been having problems in our relationship. It has been mostly due to our age and inexperience with relationships. She has said that she thinks I'm a great person and I'm everything that she could ever want in a boyfriend. However, she isn't completely happy.
We decided to take a break, but we continued our relationship routine shortly after. She told me many times how she missed me like crazy when we weren't with each other. But she'd still let me know that she was having these feelings that she didn't want this relationship anymore. I was very confused by the mixed signals I was getting. However, when we were with each other, I felt as though we were still in our relationship.
Then, a few weeks ago, she had a week to go before she was going on a trip with an organization from her college. We barely had any contact that whole week. While she was away, she called me once and we had a good conversation. Then she called me when she got back, but I wasn't around. I called her back and she answered, but said she was busy hanging out with friends. I tried calling her a few times after that -- once when I knew she'd be there -- but she never answered.
I took the hint and stopped trying to get in contact with her. I figure I'll let her contact me when she wants to, which she hasn't done yet. I'm just really confused why she stopped talking to me cold turkey, especially when everything was going great between us.

ALANA SAYS:

You know the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder"? Well, in some cases, absence gives you the clarity you can't find when you're in close contact with someone.

She's been confused about your relationship for a while but she couldn't sort through her feelings while you were still, in effect, a couple. Her weeklong trip gave her a chance to get over the initial "missing you like crazy" phase and really consider what she wants.

You've done the right thing by backing off. It could be that she's already made her decision, and she may never call. Or it could be that she's still thinking things over -- and you're giving her the space to do just that.

However, the manner in which she cut you off "cold turkey," as you say, pretty much gives you the red light to move on with your life. Don't hang around waiting for that phone to ring.

EDDIE SAYS:

My gut agrees with Alana. But my mind wants to throw in a disclaimer:

You say that you called when you "knew" she was there and she ignored you. Well, unless you're spying on her (in which case, I have a whole other set of advice for you), you don't know that. You're just making things out to make yourself feel worse. Don't do that.

Possible technicality aside, instinct says she is, in fact, trying to tell you something. Or she is so preoccupied with something else that she isn't finding time to cut you loose. Or she thinks she was clear, when really she wasn't.

Either way, it's time to take your own little trip back into the world to find your next prospect.

Dear Double Take,
I am male, 27 years of age, and I met a beautiful, 31-year-old, single, independent woman in November. Two months later, she moved away as planned.
We were dating exclusively after the first month. We were really into each other. Things were slowly progessing and she was making future plans regarding a long-distance relationship.
Things started to change when it got close to time for her to leave, but I thought it was because of stress. Six days before her departure, she said that we should take a step back.
I agreed with her that our relationship wasn't ready for long distance. I told her that I wanted us to keep up with our communication and let time takes its course. I thought that with the time apart, she would change her mind.
It's been about a month, and we still talk pretty much every day. I feel she's getting homesick. I've told her I miss her and would like to see her. She never says that on her own. No plans have been set on seeing each other.
During a recent conversation, she was crying because she felt alone and that she hasn't met Mr. Right. It really hurt me because I still care for her. I would like to get back together, but I know it won't happen. I like her too much to just become friends.
Should I tell her this? Should I cut ties with her to show her what she is missing?

DOUBLE TAKE Do you disagree with Alana and Eddie's advice? Share Your Thoughts Life Files Archive

EDDIE SAYS:

No, you should cut ties with her because that's the thing that is most likely to end your misery.

The truth is that you're not listening to her very well. She said she wanted to back off. You said you agreed, but were really trying to play a game. Don't do this. Men are no good at this and usually end up finding out that they're just tripped up by their own misdirection.

You told her -- even if not in those words -- you were fine being friends, and that's what you got. If you expected differently, then you really misread the situation. Next time, go with honesty.

As part of that new policy, you could make one last, great romantic play for her. Tell her that what you really want from her is a relationship, and you're willing to move out there if she can give it a shot.

But you have to mean it. And be as sure as you can that she means it if she says yes. Anything resembling, "Oh, don't do that for me; your whole life is there," means "No, I don't want you that much. Don't bother."

ALANA SAYS:

You're probably right when she said she's homesick. That's probably the biggest reason she's still in such close contact with you.

This is going to sound cruel, but she's talking to you because she's lonely. It sounds like she has no intention of ever becoming romantically invovled with you again, and she's holding on to you as a "friend" because she's in a new city where she doesn't know anyone, and you're always there, ready and waiting on the other end of the phone line.

If you don't put an end to it, she'll simply phase you out when her life fills up with new friends and that "Mr. Right" she mentioned.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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