Dear Alana and Eddie,I have been dating a guy for almost seven months now and he won't commit to me, but at the same time, he won't say that he won't. He's had a great tragedy in his life. He lost his pregnant fiancée about 2 1/2 years ago and is pretty traumatized.
I am deeply in love with him, and I do believe he has feelings, too, but whenever he asks me to tell him how I feel, I can't because I am worried that he'll leave if I express too much. So I wrote him an e-mail expressing how I felt without revealing too much and, without stating I loved him, he never responded one way or the other on his feelings, even though I specified it in my e-mail. I finally asked him why he always wants me to tell him how I feel but is never willing to reciprocate, and he responded by simply saying, "I admit I have reservations, but for obvious reasons," and left it at that.It is a very frustrating thing, because I am pretty sure he feels for me but is experiencing major issues with it. What do you suggest I do or say? Do you think that in a case like this an ultimatum is necessary? I'm driving myself crazy with this, and I really don't want to lose him. Aside from his baggage, he's ideal. Please help!
ALANA SAYS:If your boyfriend's not saying that he won't commit to you ... how do you know he's not committing to you?
Your guy isn't alone in having trouble expressing his feelings. And as you've said, he has more reason to be reserved than most guys. Plus, it's only been seven months. How serious did you expect to be at this point? What kind of ultimatums were you considering?
Along the same lines ... If you're not comfortable enough to express your feelings in person, and instead hide behind e-mail, I wouldn't bet that your relationship is anywhere near ultimatum time.
Your boyfriend just needs more time. He's not going anywhere, and you said you're "pretty sure" he has feelings for you. Just take it as it comes and stop pushing -- or you will lose him.
EDDIE SAYS:You're worried about expressing too much, but can't understand why he's being guarded as well. It could be that he's feeling the exact same thing you are -- the fear of being the vulnerable one. It could be that he feels like he's betraying his lost love, or something along those lines.
I suspect it's more along the lines of the first one. Someone has to be the brave one who breaks the ice and admits to what you're both probably feeling. If he is still having hangups (not to use too mild a word) about the past, you can't even begin to think of those until one of you takes that initial step and lets down the defenses.
Alana's right, you don't have to push. But you should tell him how you feel.
Dear Double Take,I am a 27-year-old guy who is serious with a 33-year-old woman. She has a 5-year-old boy who is great! We have been together for almost exactly a year. I feel I am deeply in love with this woman, and we can both see a future together.I am having problems trying to convince my parents of this. My father told me a year ago to not pursue this relationship. The best thing that my parents can tell me is that they "only want what's best for you, and we know this isn't it."My girlfriend and I have even decided to try seeing other people, to maybe ease their fears. She took me up on the offer first; that hurt. I didn't have a clue I would feel the way I did. Since then I've decided not to do the same to her.At this point, it's putting a serious strain on our relationship like we've never experienced before. So much so that she is afraid to be intimate with me at all. The only thing she can tell me is that because of my parents not accepting us as a couple in a long-term relationship, it makes everyone miserable.
EDDIE SAYS:Are you
sure that the strain isn't caused by the fact that you're a 27-year-old mama's boy?
Having your parents' approval is great. Those who've been around a while can be wise, experienced and objective -- exactly the type of perspective many people need in their relationships. Just the views of your peers aren't enough.
But if it's been a year and you can't tell for yourself if it's worth pursuing a future, if your parents' views lead you to break up a monogamous relationship -- well, you're probably too wishy-washy to make the kind of adult commitment needed to be with a woman and raise her son. (And since she didn't write in, I won't get into what she's doing keeping you around when she's already got one boy to raise).
If your parents had a reason to not like this girl ("Gosh, son, it's just that the way she burns you with cigarettes, smokes drugs and tortures animals is a bit off-putting.") that would be one thing. If your parents have such a strong hold on you that their bad vibes can kill something you want, you're not ready to be out on your own yet, and not ready to be there for someone else.
ALANA SAYS:My guess is your girlfriend doesn't care so much about what your parents think as she does about how your parents' thinking is affecting you. She took you up on your offer to see other people -- maybe she was insulted that you would consider such a move based your parents' opinion alone.
Forget your parents. Yes, you love them and respect their opinions. But they don't always know what's best for you. If you and your girlfriend are secure in your relationship, they'll deal with it ... eventually. Don't give them the power to ruin your perfectly good relationship.
If your girlfriend is truly the one saying your parents' acceptance holds the key to your future (which I have a hard time believing), you'll have to abide by her wishes and back off. If this is really the case, I'd bet she's uncomfortable with the relationship and is using your parents as an excuse to escape.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
Double Take Archive: 
More Archives ... Copyright 2008, Internet Broadcasting. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
The story How Do You Really Feel? is provided by LifeWhile.
Email This Story
Print This Story
