Dear Double Take,A friend and I hosted a baby shower for another friend. Our friend has been trying for years to conceive and finally, after numerous miscarriages, she became pregnant and has carried the baby full term.
We really wanted this day to be all about her. Bringing another baby or child to the party would distract attention away from the intended party. We did not think this would be a problem, so we did not specify on the invitation that no children were allowed. However, one of the people invited just had a bundle of joy herself. This was her second. Well, the new mom brought her newborn baby to the shower.I was a little overwhelmed with irritation. I know that it was not intentional, but bringing a newborn into a room full of women ... There was no way that the attention would have stayed with the mom-to-be.Before the woman was able to go into the living room where the party had already started, I asked her if she would be able to take the baby home and leave it with her mother next door. But the woman insisted on bringing the baby with her.I know I what I said at the time did not come out right and I apologized, but I would like your opinion.
ALANA SAYS:
Let me say straight off that I don't have any babies ... nor have I tried to conceive any. So my perception may be skewed. That said:
How was this mother to know the baby wasn't welcome? Plus, don't most moms bring their newborns just about everywhere they go? If I were in the woman's shoes, I never would have considered leaving the baby home.
If you didn't want her to bring her bundle of joy, you should have specified in the invitation. Asking her to bring the baby home once she has arrived is just plain rude.
Another thing: Of course a newborn might take some attention away from the mother-to-be, but wouldn't it also generate some great conversation about what the expecting mom has to look forward to? The mom-to-be probably
loves babies and wouldn't mind sharing the attention one bit.
EDDIE SAYS:
Well, I've been involved in the conceiving of a baby, and distantly in all the parties (which was close enough for me, thanks).
The relevant experience here, though, is arranging social calendars when kids are involved, trying to find out when they're welcome and when they aren't. The new mom really should have been overly careful and asked. But you, as the hostess, should have made it clear if you had definite ideas. Baby showers are a gray zone. It's a joyous day, and she probably assumed the mom-to-be would want to see a happy and healthy little one.
There's just no way you can expect the woman who brought her newest child to quickly leave him with a stranger or change her plans. Maybe it wasn't what you planned, but you should have shrugged it off and been gracious.
If the party's honoree seemed put off, you could have quietely told her later that you were sorry for the mixup that stole her thunder, but that you hadn't accounted for it.
What you did really wasn't good hostessing. But, I'm sure it will all be forgotten in the joy of the new little one.
Dear Double Take,My boyfriend and I want to get married. I was married before, and even though it was a small wedding, my whole take on it was that everyone had fun -- it was not just for me.This time around, I waited seven years to make sure this is what I want, but my boyfriend says that my wedding plans might offend his grandmother because she is deeply religious. It is not like I am having a satanic cult-theme wedding -- I just want to wear a red wedding dress. My colors are red and black, and we are not getting married in a church.His grandmother has not been religious for her whole life and, in fact, has done things in her past that would make my toes curl. So my question is, should I be forced to have a traditional wedding just to appease one person?I know he loves his grandmother, but she likes me and my personality and it seems to me that she would not be offended by something that is not hurting anybody.She had never said anything about him having two children out of wedlock, so why would this be such a big deal? I really do not want a church wedding, and it may seem stubborn on my part, but I will not get married if I am forced to do what goes against who I am.
EDDIE SAYS:
He says his grandmother would be offended? Does he also have "a cousin" who doesn't want a certain flavor of chocolate cake? Maybe "a friend" who bought whatever you found hidden in the back of his closet one day?
Your fiance has some ideas about what his wedding should be like, but is having trouble finding the nerve to stand up to you and tell you what they are. Normally, I wouldn't think so. But the fact that his account of his grandmother is so far from what you've seen points to someone trying to avoid a confrontation.
If, after knowing that, you still want to marry him, you're going to have to grab him by the cumberbund and tell him to fess up about what he really wants from the ceremony and what's bothering him.
Otherwise, it's a lifetime of, "Gosh, I don't know ... I'm not sure if my neices and nephews would like sunflower wallpaper in the bathroom."
ALANA SAYS:Eddie has a good point there. But on the off chance that he's really concerned about Grandma, maybe you could volunteer to talk to her about your idea. You could bring it up casually while she's around (talking about what a friend wore in her wedding, maybe, and how you want things), gauge her reaction, and go from there.
If either your fiance or his grandmother is truly concerned about these details, you may want to try to come up with some sort of compromise. Maybe a trip to the justice of the peace might be the best route, or running away to some exotic location to tie the knot. It all depends on how willing you both are to bend.
In any case, your preferences -- and your fiance's -- come before Grandma's. If she has the personality you described, it could be that your guy is just overreacting, and a little chat with her might be all it takes. But if her disposition really hinges on your wedding being in a church ... well, you might just have to offend her. If the rest of the family is on your side, she'll probably get over it.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
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