Dear Double Take,
I am a 32-year-old male, single, never married. I started dating a great girl about halfway through August. This year, I have dated a bunch of people, but nothing made it very far. Well, things were going great with her. We had four dates and communicated pretty regularly by e-mail.

Then, on date four, we went out rollerblading had a great time, came back and ate, watched a movie and drank a bunch of wine. And it obviously seemed like she had it in mind to sleep over, given the amount we were drinking. And then we started kissing and making out. She said she was surprised I didn't try to kiss her earlier, which was cool for me, because she had obviously been thinking about me.
But it didn't last long, and she started getting kind of cold. I couldn't understand it. I was a little clumsy because I was kind of nervous, but I don't think that should have turned her off like that so fast. But I didn't sweat it much at the moment; I just let her be on the couch, and I slept in my bedroom.
She left the next morning without a word. I didn't hear anything for her for a couple days, so I e-mailed her, asking what was up and if she had a good time. She said yeah and asked if I'd like to see a movie or something the next weekend. I e-mailed her back the same day saying a movie sounded good and made some small talk. Then no reply. And no call on the weekend.
I really liked her. I know four dates isn't a lot, but I know enough about myself at 32 to know the kind of woman I'm after. I don't know what I did to turn her off or if I should call her again. I'm really kind of sad about it because I don't meet that many people I really click with.

ALANA SAYS:

In my not-incredibly-vast experience, the hot-to-cold thing during the makeout session could be a couple of things:

All that wine messed with her emotions, prompting her to make out with you, and then she realized once you were into it that maybe she wasn't ready to get so hot and heavy after all.
She just felt uncomfortable with the makeout session and didn't know how to tell you.

In either case, though, the ball is in her court, and it doesn't sound like she plans to return it to you.

If you're not quite willing to let her go, you might give her a call, ask what's up, see what she has to say. It is possible that she's just taking some time to decide what she wants out of this relationship, and that she's not simply hoping you'll go away. But my guess is that, given her lack of response to this point, she's decided this relationship isn't right for her.

EDDIE SAYS:

Assuming you haven't already tried to contact her, you're down to the last shot. Call or e-mail her again, like Alana said.

If that doesn't lead to a date (or at least her making some effort on her own to keep up contact), then you'll have your answer.

Guys are notoriously bad at taking hints. Don't be one of the pathetic ones who keeps trying when someone's just looking for a way not to hurt your feelings.

Dear Double Take,
My wife of three years recently told me that she wants out. She said she wants to be alone. She said part of her wants to stay, but the other part wants to leave. She said she was also going to take our kids with her. She also informed me that I have done nothing wrong.
Of course, this hurt me tremendously and I let her know as much. I told her that I was going to fight for us. I also told her that if she was the one that wanted to walk out, she would have to walk out on all of us -- she was not taking the children.
She said that she could not walk out on her kids. I insisted that if she wanted to be alone, that was the way it was going to be. I asked if we could go to counseling. She said no. I asked her for a chance to work this out, and initially she declined.
After some time, she has told me that she did not want to hurt me or the children, that she cared for me and still loved me and for that she was willing to try to make this work.
Am I getting my hopes up, or is she doing this for the kids while resenting me inside? She says she doesn't, but I just don't know.

DOUBLE TAKE Do you disagree with Alana and Eddie's advice? Share Your Thoughts Life Files Archive

EDDIE SAYS

If she were feeling trapped or blackmailed, we can't really expect that she would readily admit it. In fact -- not to scare you -- it could even be that she's feeling those things, but not really letting herself acknowledge it.

It took something extreme -- threatening her access to her children -- but there's a good chance you really did get through to her, and make her see the consequences of her intended actions. It doesn't sound like she had really worked out before that she was ripping a family apart.

That's not to say that things will be smooth sailing from here, that she won't consider whether she should have gone when she could. But for now, she sounds committed to what you have. Work with her to make sure it stays that way.

ALANA SAYS:

The reality that you work out in your head often changes once it's brought into the open. I'm guessing your wife thought she knew what she wanted and had a whole plan worked out, but she didn't really think about your reaction to all of this -- or the complicated consequences.

Then, when she experienced your reaction, she reconsidered what she really wanted.

Rebuilding the trust you once had in your relationship is going to take some work. As long as she's willing to work at it, too, you have no reason to doubt her intentions.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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