Dear Double Take,
I am in a very confused state with my colleague of 9 months. He used to be my trainer. A week after we started started dating, he got promoted as my assistant manager. Since then, he has said our relationship has to be a secret so people won't think he is biased.

One month into the relationship, we broke off because I felt that he was just not sincere enough. He never let me know what he was doing or meet his friends. I told him I still have feelings for him and am willing to see how it goes after he works out his side.
Less than a week later, he told me he can't forget me and still loved me. Ever since then, we have regular sex, but have never been the proper girlfriend/boyfriend relationship we used to have. Recently, I told him I want to back off, that I can't take this anymore. He told me he won't stop me, but he feels I am the girl for him.
But he still never shows me that he loves me. In fact, he grew more distant. Last week, after we had our office meeting, I was the last to leave the meeting room. He pulled me back and planted a kiss on my lips right behind the door. I didn't get a chance to ask him why, and he just walked out.
He treats me like any other co-workers now, but will sneak glances at me. I called him and asked whether he wants to be with me or not. He just kept changing the topic until I lost it.
I don't understand. I know he doesn't have any other girls, but why won't he just declare I am his girl? Is he just playing, or is he waiting for my declaration?

ALANA SAYS:

Well, why would he commit? It sounds like he's getting all of the fun of a relationship -- including the feeling of excitement that comes with keeping that kind of a secret -- without any of the responsibilities.

The fact that this is an intra-office relationship has little to do with this situation. The point is that you're letting this guy get away with manipulating you. If he really loved you, he would be showing you. The fact that he's all talk and no action means he's all lies.

Cut him off. Stop calling him, and stop responding to his sweet talking. Keep working with him if you think you can do it without getting emotionally involved, or else talk to your human resources manager about being reassigned.

EDDIE SAYS:

Alana hit the particulars of your story, so I'll make some general notes.

If a guy says one thing and does another, especially over an extended period, it means that the actions are his true self, and the words are just what he knows he needs to do to keep you around. He's probably not intentionally jerking you around, he's just doing the best he can and feeling his way along.

But notice -- that's the best he can do. You can't change him to make him more like the ideal you want from him, which he's more or less told you he's not.

The advice to you is easy: Stop it.

Dear Double Take,
I went out with a guy for two years before we broke up. Afterward, I began doing all the things I had been doing before I met him. I enrolled in a dance class with the friend of a co-worker, and we hit it off. He was very generous and kind and began to be the listening ear that I needed.
He began to invite me out with his friends and finally asked me out on a date about a month ago. We had a great time. At the end of the night he confessed how much he liked me and that, even though he is still getting over his relationship of a year and a half that ended a month before we got together, liked me instantly afterward.
We began seeing a little more of each other and he would greet me with kisses and a hug. This has been going on for the past month.
Recently, however, it seems he has lost interest. He stopped calling and e-mailing me. I haven't seen him in about a week or two. I think I am no longer a priority on his list. I hope he wasn't scared off by my ex-boyfriend talk. I liked him instantly too, but I didn't say anything for fear of rejection. Now, I feel like I was led to believe he liked me, and now he doesn't want to say that he wants to be just friends. Does this guy like me, or are we just going to be friends? I need to know so I don't drive myself crazy!

DOUBLE TAKE Do you disagree with Alana and Eddie's advice? Share Your Thoughts Life Files Archive

EDDIE SAYS:

Have you ever read a book where the guy doesn't call the girl because he's too afraid of the powerful emotions he feels? Or seen a movie where the guy looks like he lost interest, but really it's just a big misunderstanding?

Yeah, those things pretty much just happen in fiction. When, in real life, you see someone for a few weeks and then he stops returning your calls, it means that he was interested for a while, then realized he's not.

It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it just means he wasn't feeling that spark (assuming he didn't fall into his ex's orbit again).

Should he give you a call and say, "I had a really nice time, but I just don't think this is what I want right now"? He darn well should. But he hasn't. He's not being polite, but he's being very clear.

Your dance card is open; find a new partner.

ALANA SAYS:

While Eddie's realistic view of the situation is likely dead-on, there is one detail that remains to be discussed: Did you ever actually tell him how you feel?

If not, it's possible he was disheartened from getting a lukewarm response toward his affection and backed off. After all, how many times have we administered that advice to people whose partners don't seem to reciprocate loving feelings? We tell them: Cool it a bit; give them some space. If they really care, they'll let you know.

Well, now it's your turn. While it's definitely possible he's just not interested, your last chance for reviving this relationship is to be honest with him: Just tell him you like him. Say you've noticed he doesn't seem to be into the relationship anymore, and you just want to make sure he knows how you feel before he decides to call it quits.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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