Dear DoubleTake,
My fiance of 18 months and I broke up a few months ago. It was an awful, emotionally difficult and extremely devastating breakup for me.

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We were living together, and it just seemed that nothing was working out right. We had many arguments, many differences of opinion and lifestyle, but the commonality was that neither one of us had loved as hard and fully as we claimed to.
I felt that I had to force his hand to propose to me; he was very comfortable living together. Once he did propose, I could never pin him down to set a date. He could spend hours looking at motorcycles online and looking for ways to advertise his business, but in regards to our wedding it was, "I will get back to you."
I finally realized that I didn't want to force a man to marry me. The day I decided to pack up and move out it was devastating. We fought and yelled, and he slammed a glass shower door on me. He threw all of my belongings on the lawn in front of his home. I was humiliated and disgraced by someone who I thought loved and wanted to marry me.
He texts, e-mails, leaves long my-heart-longs-for-you voice mails, but I refuse to see him.
I have hit the bottom emotionally. My self-esteem is low, I feel like I won't ever love the way that I loved before, and I just don't know where or how to pick myself up. I gave so much, and to be thrown out like trash is beyond belief to me. I catch myself thinking, sometimes, "What if I go back?"
I know I won't be happy. I know that what we had is broken. It amazes me that he has the nerve to even call me. I just want the strength to go on with my life.

BETTY SAYS:

The path you're on, even if it is lonely and rough, is the right one.

The best thing to do now is turn to your family and friends. Seek out a counselor or online support group for added resources so that you're not tempted to return your ex's texts in a moment of desperation.

Trust your instincts here. You didn't like nagging someone who needed to be pushed and persuaded, he humiliated you, got violent and now he's begging to have you back. There are codependency issues on his part that you can't fix. Just remind yourself of the kind of disappointment that's in store if you go back to him.

New love will find you, especially if you allow yourself to open up to life's experiences. It's a great time to explore. So get out the and embrace the freedom of being single.

EDDIE SAYS:

The way to pick yourself up is to pick up one foot, then the other and just keep on moving. Everyone feels at first that they will never find love again, that the intensity was a once-in-a-lifetime thing, nobody ever loved like that before. They try to rationalize that maybe having the 90 percent good is worth having the 10 percent miserable.

Usually, it's not. And more often than not, people move on and find someone new who makes them happy. It will never be the same, but considering this ending, that's probably a good thing.

You can get involved in activities, you can talk to people and maybe, as Betty says, you can work with a professional. Those all serve a purpose, but the main thing that will get you walking tall again is time. It doesn't heal all wounds, but it certainly dulls the pain and puts you in a frame of mind where you can find something else good.

A hard time has hit you, but hard times pass.

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Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions. Double Take Archive:
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