Alcohol sales are skyrocketing as single people prepare for the loneliest night of the year.

Oh, sure, I've heard of those "alternative" V-Day celebrations in which you bitter crones gather to burn photographs of former loves, but I'm not fooled. Those "celebrations" are weak and thinly veiled attempts to escape the harsh reality that you're not me.

That's right. As you curl yourself into the fetal position around a bottle of Stolichnaya on Valentine's Day, choking back the tears and holding close a soggy, singed picture of your high school sweetheart, I'll be making out with my wife. Ha!

Love/Loathe Do You Love Or Loathe Valentine's Day? Send An Anti-Valentine Send A Valentine's E-Card

Sorry. That rant was directed solely at my ex-girlfriend.

I hope the rest of you have a wonderful Valentine's Day. If you don't have someone to go out with, I hope you enjoy lurking in fancy restaurant parking lots, slashing the tires of happy couples' cars.

Obviously, Valentine's Day is all about the romance ... and the buying of the cards and the purchasing of the jewelery and the fueling of the capitalist machine.

I can buy things, no problem, but I'm a little worried about having to be romantic. Romance is an area where I'm pretty hit-and-miss, mostly miss.

Fortunately, my wife doesn't seem to expect too much out of me. We don't do a lot of the "romantic" things that other couples do. We don't have a song that we call our own. We have tried to find "our song," but it seems that all the songs we like have confusing our ambiguous lyrics:

("What exactly does he mean by 'bubble toes?'")

Still, I feel pressured to think up something romantic. One of the first avenues to explore when trying to think up something romantic is the "Things She Likes" arena.

This is trickier than it sounds for the average married man: Is it me, or her, that likes monster truck shows?

I have always had a bad memory, but it has gotten considerably worse since I married someone who is actually responsible. I regularly find myself asking my wife questions like: "Honey, did I eat today?"

Things that I think she likes are usually just the things that I like. I like it when she wears risque lingerie. I'm pretty sure, however, that if I greet her at the door wearing a lacy number, things won't turn out as I might have hoped.

I am smart enough not to follow the same line of thinking as so many men, confusing utilitarian acts with romance. Some men think nothing says I love you like a new fan belt. My friend does this a lot. He fixes things for his wife and then seems genuinely surprised that it doesn't get her in the mood.

No, the key to having the right person wearing lingerie on the evening of Feb. 14 lies in my ability to be spontaneous. I simply have to think outside the box. I have to do something that will really sweep my wife off her feet.

We have a bottle of champagne in the fridge, left over from New Year's. I can make use of that, I suppose.

Chris Cope is married, with no children. His column appears every other Tuesday.