Dear Double Take,

I am the oldest of three siblings, a woman with two younger brothers. I have been married almost 21 years, and both brothers have been divorced -- one of them, twice. It is the sisters-in-law who drive me crazy.

With brother No. 1, his first wife was cruel and a manipulator. I saw right through her and let her know it. The second wife was a doll. I spent lots of time with her and even though she got pregnant (while she was living with my brother before they got married), I still thought she was great. But within a few years of their marriage, right after their second child was born, she drifted away. She kept up appearances, put on a great act, but it was obvious she was keeping her distance, including keeping the children away, where we were once so very close. That hurt a lot.

Brother No. 2 married an abusive and controlling woman. After a very short dating time (one year), they were married less than three years. My brother finally left her after her abuse expanded to his friends and family, including myself. In fact, I seemed to be one of her favorite targets. He just won custody of their one and only child, a daughter.

I need to know ... is it me? I cannot have a relationship with women who are married to my brothers. I am close to my brothers, which may be the source of contention -- I don't know. It is not like I don't have a life or anything. Like I said, I am married, have a son, and I own a business of my own.

On the other side of my family, my husband's sister has not yet accepted me, after many years. She has never been married and has only my husband as a sibling. As an older sister, she adores my husband, the favorite of the family.

What can I do? I think it is a "woman thing." I also don't have any female friends except my mother. Something is wrong, don't you think?

ALANA SAYS:

Slow down, sister. So your brothers married losers. That's their fault, not yours.

Don't let these women rattle your self-security. You obviously know how to make and keep relationships -- your husband and son are prime examples. And you're close to your brothers and mother? Hey, you have the bases covered.

It's true that women form relationships with one another differently than they do with men. I, too, have a lot of male friends -- they're easier for me to read. I know exactly when they're enjoying my company and when they're fed up with me.

Women are trickier, though. I have enough sisters to recognize the nuances between what they say and what they really mean -- and, hey, I'm at fault, too. Come on, ladies. How many "friendships" do you keep up simply because you don't know how to cut them off? Or because you don't want the other party to feel bad?

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But in your case, it seems you're a victim of circumstance. As long as you're extending your friendship to these sisters-in-law, there's not much more you can do. And be careful that you're not getting too involved when you think you see a woman hurting one of your brothers. Remember, the boys' romantic choices are really none of your business.

EDDIE SAYS: When people come looking for advice, I often try to look for patterns. And sometimes, when an event or motif or trend appears over and over again, you have to look at the common factor in all the situations.

In this case, that thread tying it all together is you. If it were just your brothers' significant others, I would wonder if maybe they just had similar tastes. But then you have problems with this whole other side of the family as well.

I'm getting the sense that maybe you're viewed as overprotective -- letting someone know you "see right through her" isn't really the warmest way to act toward a member of your family (though there are a lot of people who deserve it).

I know that's just one incident, but it makes it sound like you're ready to jump into attack mode to protect your precious brothers. And while that's a noble instinct, if someone senses that, she's likely to be more guarded and not able to be comfortable with you over the long term -- really, a pretty typical reaction to in-law relationships.

Could it be that these women like you well enough, but have their own friends, and don't feel obligated to do more than be civil to you at family occasions? That doesn't make you or them wrong, it just may be that you have different expectations, and while they're completely satisfied with a nice relationship in passing, you'd like to have more.

My advice would be, as much as possible, not to sweat it. There's no open warfare like there is in some families, and it sounds like you're still close with your brothers and your family. Enjoy that, build that business, and just take what you can get from those who marry into your clan.

Dear Double Take,

I am a 22-year-old woman who started to date a 31-year-old man about a month-and-a-half ago. He lives about an hour away, so we don't see each other very often. We recently spent our first night together and it was amazing.

I have one concern, though. I found out that he has a female friend living with him.

That doesn't bother me, but since he told me about her, he brings her up in every conversation we have together. I can't help but think that there is more going on between them. He also told me when we first started to date that a former girlfriend of his accused him of being married. He said that the reason she thought he was married was that she found a woman's name listed in the phone book with the same last name as him. He told me that this was his sister. I then learned that the live-in friend has the same name of the woman he was accused of being married to. I brought this up to him, and he denies ever talking about it. I think I have good reason to be concerned about this, because I would never want to intrude in anyone's marriage. What do I do?

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Anytime someone denies having a conversation you're sure he had -- and you only have six weeks of info on the guy, so I'm going to assume you're remembering the details well -- that's a big-time red flag.

And it's a shame that he would go that ridiculous route, when there was an obvious lie he could have used to string you along: Claiming he just lived with a woman who had the same name as a woman he was allegedly married to. This guy's just not very slick for someone trying to be a weasel.

Who knows what the situation is? Maybe they were married, but are divorced (weird in itself). Maybe it really is just a mix-up. But if he handles potential conflict by pretending he never talked about things he did and basically hoping you won't notice the silliness of the situation, is this someone you want to stick with?

I wouldn't suggest it.

ALANA SAYS:

This is all pretty strange, but let's not jump to conclusions. All you have here is a woman with his last name, whose first name happens to be the same as his female roommate.

You're uneasy about this, and I would be, too. So demand an explanation. Ask him outwardly what's going on. Better yet, snag his female roommate and ask her how she knows your guy. One would think that if they are indeed married, she'd be pretty upset that her "roommate" had a girlfriend.

Ask him more about his family. Does he mention his sister by name when relating childhood anecdotes? Chances are the truth will come out soon -- if it hasn't already. But don't go on waiting for it. Make him tell you now, or tell him to hit the road. Honesty isn't too much to ask.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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