Ah, Valentine's Day, that time of year when we show our love for our significant others by opening our wallets and purchasing vast quantities of romance-oriented goodies.

I'm sorry, that sounds horribly jaded. In truth, I'm an incurable romantic. I like to show my love, though, with food. I have, in past years, created meals of such lushness and allure that other men's wives ended up knocking on my door, which led to no end of neighborhood discontent.

As those of you familiar with my new column, Diary Of A Fat Man know, I've had to make some pretty drastic changes in my cooking and eating habits of late, so this year it'll be back to the old flowers, Jacuzzi suites and full-body massages. Mundane stuff.

However, I've still got all this culinary love to show. Lest the whole thing end with me surrounded by empty candy wrappers, my diet in shreds, I've got to find a way to sublimate, to redirect that good feeling to some other purpose. And I've found just the way!

Best of all, you can help.

This all began with a note from Ross Getman, who sent me a truly amusing list of the Top Ten Ways to Tell You're a Chocoholic. The list included a plea to cast a vote in favor of his nephew, Kevin, whose "Bubba Fudge Brownie Sundae" is a finalist in Pillsbury Kids Bake-Off Contest.

I get these sorts of things fairly frequently: people wanting me to put you, the good and faithful readers of the Chronicles, to work voting here or registering there to support causes ranging from battles of the kazoo bands to stopping the proliferation of reality TV shows. Up until now, I've spurned them all.

In this case, though, I actually went to the Pillsbury site and looked over the finalists. After hard consideration, I came to the conclusion that, of all the finalists, Kevin's would be the one most likely to cause me to abandon my diet in a frenzy of chocolate-induced delerium.

So, enjoy the list, and if you're so moved, kindly follow the link in list item No. 1 and show young Kevin some culinary love.

Top 10 Signs You Are A Chocoholic

10. You taught your kids that it is an annual tradition to give their mom chocolates on Presidents Day.

9. You encouraged your kid to do a science fair project about the Harvard researchers who said that chocolate was the key to a longer life and then ate all his exhibits.

8. In your chocolate-induced delirium, you thought that the finding that chocolate helps fight the presence of disease-causing free radicals referred to a recently escaped unkempt mailbomber.

7. You intentionally sneak into the coffeeholics meeting instead to make sure you aren't cured of your addiction to chocolate.

6. You only wear Choco Jeans.

5. You put your husband's sign that said "The Key Is Moderation" in the "free box" at the last garage sale.

4. You have a chocolate Labrador.

3. The only reason you want to save the rain forest is to save the cocoa tree.

2. You named your daughter Hershey.

1. You encouraged everyone at the nursing home you work at to vote for "Bubba Fudge Brownie Sundae" at the ongoing Pillsbury Kids Bake-Off Contest and bused them them to Pillsbury's headquarters in Minneapolis to make sure they voted because they didn't have a computer.

Of course, it wouldn't be Valentine's without some love dripping all over the Weird Wires ...

Looking For Love

Soda machines, especially in hotels and apartment complexes, have a propensity for becoming mini-bulletin boards, accruing all manner of taped-on fliers, brochures and broadsheets. However, police in Van Buren, Ark., found a solicitation of a different sort taped to a soda machine at Motel 6: a Polaroid shot of a man's genitals.

There was a phone number scribbled on the photo under the naughty bits, so officers gave a ring and ended up arresting Curtis Dechaine on charges of indecent exposure. "This is the first time we've been able to make an arrest but we've had cases similar to this in the past," said Lt. Brent Grill, of the Van Buren Police Department.

What kind of place is Van Buren? I've stayed in a lot of hotels in my time, and lived in plenty of apartments, and I don't recall ever having come across a snapshot of erogenous zones of any kind affixed to soda machines.

Depending on your proclivities, it COULD give a whole new meaning to "Have a Coke and a smile," I guess.

Fight Nakedly, Harvard

Remember that great '70s flick "The Paper Chase," that made a star and commercial mouthpiece of John Houseman for his portrayal of Harvard professor Kingsfield, the crusty law don? Remember how everyone walked around the campus in sweaters and long pants, and at all times displayed the sort of cardigan decorum to be expected in the Ivy League?

Those days are officially gone.

Some of the Ivy-covered bodies on campus will soon be exposed courtesy of "The H Bomb," an adult magazine that will feature sex advice and fiction, as well as photos of underdressed undergrads.

Hugh Hefner, all those years ago when you raised eyebrows and ire with that first cheesecake centerfold of Marilyn Monroe, could you ever have dreamed this? In Texas, of course, female students are still being expelled for posing for Playboy, but I have faith that someday societal progress will lead to every college having its own in-house skin magazine.

And they say our culture has stopped progressing.

This from the university that ran Tom Lehrer off for writing "The Vatican Rag."

Quizno's Update

It appears I touched a nerve last week mentioning the bizarre blobs of meatlike substance warbling ditties during the Quizno's commercials. The near-universal reaction, and I'm quoting directly here, was "ewww."

The blobs, as it turns out, are called "spongmonkeys," and they can be found at www.rathergood.com, along with a whole passel of what can best be described as profoundly disturbing bits of animation, including cute, fuzzy kittens singing everything from Led Zeppelin to thrash metal. I recommend spending large amounts of time on the site, providing you've been drinking heavily.

I welcome your comments, complaints, stories and professions of undying love. Large cash grants are also accepted. Just click here, type and send.

Previous Stories:

• Feb. 6, 2004: Fallen Idols And Flying Wings
• Jan. 30, 2004: Surviving The (NFL) Experience
• Jan. 23, 2004: I'm Eating, Here!
• Jan 16, 2004: Disturbing The Peace
• Dec. 27, 2003: The Weird Year In Review
• Dec. 12, 2003: Time's Running Out!
• Dec. 5, 2003: Gone Fishing
• Nov. 21, 2003: Weird: Revolutions
• Nov. 7, 2003: Fattening UP The Menu